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39 Things I Plan to Do For 2015 Tout Wars Weekend

The 2015 Tout Wars draft weekend is here!

After six months of licking my wounds in my worst ever 15th-place finish, I’m ready for redemption.

So I decided to share some of my strategy points in this article because I fear no man!

Two years ago, I shared my 2013 Tout Wars dollar values online the day before leaving for New York City for the auction, really not expecting any of my competitors to care.

Several writers in the league came up to me and asked if I put them out there as bait – trying to trick people into letting them think I like Miguel Cabrera! So they did see my dollar values, and it still didn’t matter.

I finished one home run away from beating Fred Zinkie for the title in 2013, so I proved that it doesn’t matter what I let anyone know ahead of time.

If any of my Tout Wars competitors read this article and see some of my strategy points, bully for them!

(First off, nobody reads anybody. We just don’t have time – especially at this stage of the game. Secondly, if they did read them, they won’t care enough to screw up their own draft strategies.)

So let’s get into my gameplan for the 2015 Tout Wars weekend!

My 2015 Tout Wars Weekend To-Do List

We’ll be checking back after the weekend to see just how much of this stuff I was able to accomplish.

1. Re-read “Winning Fantasy Baseball” by Larry Schechter in the airport and on the plane.

2. Start day-drinking — in the air — on Thursday at noon, like a gentleman.

3. Win Max Scherzer.

4. Nominate Masahiro Tanaka with my first nomination. I rarely ever want the first few guys I nominate, but I do like to get some big names out there early in hopes of getting others to bid them up while they are all flush with money. I might spend a few bucks on Tanaka, based on hoping he dominates for half a season before his elbow comes unhinged, but my bet is he’ll go for a higher amount than that.

5. Bitch about how my NCAA bracket has already blown up – before the first half of Thursday’s first set of games.

6. Eat some Korean BBQ at a place called, New Wonjo, next to the Empire State Building. Saw this place on “Bizarre Foods” with Andrew Zimmern, who reminds me of Will Carroll, and decided I have to try it.

7. Drink at Bar None. It was my lucky charm seven years ago, and even though it hasn’t been lucky in the years since, we have to drink there.

Tout Wars Weekend

This was the 2013 Tout Wars weekend, when Nando and CBS did a show from the Diageo bar. Emack and I were banned from it, because we are former CBS guys, so we jumped in at the end for a fake show. Look at Al Melchior’s face trying to figure Emack out. (Nando is likely now banned also!)

8. Trick Nando’s wife J.J. into making pasta carbonara one night!

9. Meet up with Jim Sias, who is Nando’s good buddy from college, that always has fun surrounding him at all times. I once broke up with a chick in Vegas – and met up with Sias for a party with Captain Morgan. Seriously. THE Captain Morgan mascot was there, and he was awesome. If Nando is like Jimmy Fallon, then Sias is like Vince Vaughn from “Wedding Crashers.”

10. Eat a slice of NY pizza and get some of it on me.

11. Make fun of Emack, frequently, for not coming to Tout Wars this year. I have a feeling he might never return to Tout Wars, only because it’s a long waiting list to get in. His step-son’s youth football team made it to the championship game of their playoffs, which happens to be this weekend. So it’s tough to come down on him for that. But really, Emack’s the backup quarterback, so it’s not like he’s even going to play. (He’s their coach, actually.)

12. Not end up winning Andrew McCutchen or Giancarlo Stanton, who I got last year cheaper than I will this year.

13. Gripe about having to walk six blocks to everything.

14. Try to get out of coming on air with Nando all Friday morning on his SiriusXM Fantasy show, “The Fantasy Funhouse.”

15. Tout when I do go on the air!

16. Meet up with Occhi, who is Nando’s old roommate, who should have a reality show following him.

17. Buy beers for a couple dozen people I owe favors to because they were awesome in helping me and, including Nando, Lawr Michaels, Cory Schwartz, Tim Heaney and Joe Pisapia.

18. Repaint Nando’s guest bedroom when they’re not looking.


19. Meet up with Brian Flood, a former co-worker at CBS, who also used to work at the NFL offices as the assistant to the Director of Officiating, Mike Perreira. Or, as Flood like to put it, he was the “Assistant Director of Officiating.”

20. Win James Shields.

21. Meet up with Tom Lorenzo, who is Nando’s other drinking buddy, who covers the Brooklyn Nets. He was once in an improve group we went to go see a few years ago, and he’s like the perfect, wise-cracking “New Yorker” you see in TV shows.

22. Meet new Touts I’ve never met before, like Andrea LaMont, Bret Sayre, Craig Mish and Tim McCullough.

23. Win three very good starting pitchers, then pick up scraps at the end.

24. Not eat street meat. Last time I ate it, I got nothing but chicken shoulders and foreheads in my pita.

25. Get drunk with awesome peopTout Wars Logole – and Jason Collette.

26. Try to get Jeff Erickson to tell me the story again. It’s awesome and I love it.

27. Meet Jason Meller, one of my favorite SCFE writers, and discuss the future of this website.

28. Bitch about the rules regarding your 2015 FAAB based on your finish in the 2014 standings. It’s rittarded.

29. Win Jake Odorizzi.

30. Intend on going to Comedy Cellar again, but probably bail because we’ll be at a good bar already. The past two years, we’ve seen Louis C.K. and Aziz Ansiri there, do surprise sets, and it never fails to live up to its awesomeness.

31. Buy Nando and J.J. dinner or an ottoman or three elderly diabetic cats that need around-the-clock care as a thank you for letting me stay in their guest bedroom for the weekend.

32. Bitch about how hot it is inside every bar because the heat is up to 95 to battle the 40-degree weather outside. Look, we’re dressing to warm ourselves already. We’re not walking into the bar half-naked … anymore.

33. Pray for Joey Votto to cost me less than $35.

34. Apologize for whatever that bedroom smells like after everything I ate and drank all weekend.

35. Expect Scott Engel, my former mentor, to change a bid or a nomination at some point, mid-auction.

36. Draft two decent closers, including Trevor Rosenthal, for a total of $30.

37. Eat “VanRiper Shepherd’s Pie” at Foley’s – and swallow every bitter bite as a reminder that the Tout Wars Champion from the previous year gets to name a dish at Foley’s for the next year’s draft party. I’m thinking “Gonos’ Buffalo Wings” sounds good for 2016. But I will also pray Engel doesn’t win, so we don’t have “Engel’s Salami, Tomato and Mustard Subs,” like he used to order from Subway back in the day.

38. Make family man Doug Anderson do some shots with me, which he hasn’t really done since his Army days. (I’ll confirm it was the U.S. Army before I buy him shots, though.)

39. Watch Sunday’s bracket games in the La Guardia Airport – and get excited about an upset that I thought I picked. Then I’ll realize later, when I look at my bracket, that I had actually chose the favorite – and I had them in the championship game.

If you’re going to any of the Tout Wars parties, please come up and introduce yourself to me! I’ll be the guy with the big grin, big belly and big beer! Come say Hi!

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