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There are several different types of people you’ll meet in a Fantasy Baseball auction, and you’d be smart to figure out who is which type before you pick your seat.

On Saturday, March 20, at 3pm, I’ll be sitting down for my 11th Tout Wars Mixed League Fantasy Baseball auction, and I intend on spotting this group of guys below before I ever sit down.

In reality, these guys are fellow writers and not the normal group of buddies.

We do show a little more professionalism, so there’s not the same type of trash-talk you’d hear in other Fantasy Baseball auctions.

But, we still have our own brand of people, and I’ll mention them at the end.

5 Guys at Every Fantasy Baseball Auction

Some are obnoxious, some are awesome, but all are there to draft better teams than you – so pay attention!

Only-Here-For-Companionship Guy

Usually, every auction or draft has a guy that just shows up, obviously unprepared, with a folded up cheat sheet he just printed out that morning. And he really just enjoys hanging with the guys before having to go back to his wife and seven step-kids.

Avoid this guy. He’ll do a lot of, “Is this guy taken yet?” and you’ll miss out on some players being bid on.

Often-Leaves-a-Winner Guy

Somehow, some way, this guy always leaves the auction with a really solid roster, and he manages it to great success throughout the season.

Sit near this guy! Shadow him. Study him. Go through his trash. Figure out what he values more each season. Talk to him during breaks. You can even compliment him on how he always does well, which could throw him off just enough to let some secrets slip.

OMG!-MY-TEAM-IS-TERRIBLE Guy

During the entire draft, he complains about the guys he’s getting stuck with and how he thought that player was already taken and “the auctioneer is going too fast” and “the auctioneer is going too slow” and “who farted” and “I think it was Gonos” and on and on.

Keep away from this guy. Too much drama to deal with.

Obnoxious Guy Your Wife Probably Once Dated

Fantasy Baseball Auction Obnoxious GuyHe’s the loudmouth that talks about every player, makes fun of people’s bids, brags about his own players and generally won’t shut up. Ever.  Dennis Esser (@CoachEsser)made a good point about how a Fantasy Baseball auction really is like a poker game – if you’re not in the hand, shut the eff up. In other words, if someone’s bidding on a player, and you aren’t in on it – or you don’t have enough money to be in on it – then don’t comment! Saying stuff like, “Oh man, I can’t believe you’re getting him for just $1!” is just asking to catch a shiv in the side out in the parking lot.

Sit as far away from him as possible. If he baits you into a discussion, he is distracting you, and you will miss a bid on a player you want.

OCD Guy

This guy is crazy organized, with his laptop, a very tidy notebook, his favorite blue pen (it must be blue, he can’t write in black and oh my god, never red), and a small comb to brush the tassels on the carpet no less than 100 times.

Sit near this guy. His organization might be contagious.

3 Tout Wars Guys

These guys below don’t really affect where you should draft, but they’re still in play just the same.

The Sniper
Derek Carty was famous for sniping a few years ago, when he was in the Mixed League. Every bid would get to “Going once, going twice … ” and he would bid up $1. It’s a ploy, and it’s a very annoying ploy. I wanted to push him into oncoming traffic.

Money-Check Guy
After every three rounds, this guy has to piss or grab a drink or something, but in reality, he’s just wanting to reset so he can check his/and everyone’s available monies. I’m usually OK with this guy, since I usually have to pee.

Bad-With-Money Guy
Twice in our 10-year Tout Wars Mixed League history have we had this happen:

Overvalued/Undervalued
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An owner waited so long to spend their money, they saved too much, and the bargains came much cheaper than they expected.

In the very first season, Kevin Rounce of ESPN.com, ended up spending $51 on his final nomination, so it didn’t look like he left $50 on the table. And that is how Joel Pineiro ($51) looked like the most expensive guy in the draft in 2005, which made the league look like several owners had bid him up to $51. Great.

Last season, Scott Swanay had similar money troubles, but he got a tip from Glenn Colton in the middle of the draft (FOUL!), to buy Brandon Beachy at the end for the full amount. Then, since Beachy had Tommy John surgery, he’d get half of his money back for FAAB once he went on the DL — per our rules. Still, Brandon Beachy — out for the season with elbow surgery — going for $61 just doesn’t look good on the league.

Then again, Scott crushed me last year, and I came in 15th place. So what do I know?

With strategic seating at your Fantasy Baseball auction, you can help or hinder your championship hopes!

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